Side Note: Do These Pants Make Me Look Fat?

I would like to address Slate writer, Clive Thompson for his insightful article from April 7, 2004 entitled The Game of Wife. In it he discusses how video games approach taboo subjects such as gay marriage, where characters of the same sex can sometimes be allowed to flirt with each other, and at times, marry one another. I enjoyed reading the article, however, I must point out a strong presumption you make regarding MMOG players who are male and choose to play as female characters.

The quote from his article reads:

"In online games such as Everquest, almost half of the women characters are actually men-guys who prefer to cross-dress when they play."

Unfortunately, while I do not doubt that this may be the case for some, there is a very simple answer to this phenomenon that doesn't have to do with exploring one's feminine side. Being a player who usually selects female characters, I can honestly attest to this: If I am to stare at a character for hours at a time, especially when the camera is primarily directed at the character's butt, I would much rather stare at a woman than a man.

So, game designers take note. If you weren't aware already, it's very important for characters to have rockin' asses. It helps gives us gamers something to enjoy while our real ones butts increase in size while we play. Thank you.

What the Heckler is Going On?

While I was offline, I checked out the Anarchy Online official website, downloaded the game manual, and got more acquainted with the game mechanics. I also took note of the curiously incomplete beginner's guide. I guess I'm still left to figure out most things on my own.

Upon return to the virtual world, I was happy that my training had been completed and I was prepared for my first real assignment. My trainer, Rodriguez, informed me that a number of people had been sent out to a place called "The Brink," but none have returned. The scientists needed more information about the area to explain its mysterious seismic activity. They weren't sure what they were looking for, but it was my job to find it and bring it back.

"You have got to be kidding," I said. "You mean I'm essentially looking for WMD's?"

He gave no reply. I got the sense that this was a set up. I mean, how could no one return alive if there was a resurrection station no more than ten feet away from him? Who knows? It wasn't my place to question. So, I was off again, low in experience but high in enthusiasm. The good news is that as a level 5 Adventurer I was finally able to challenge most of the monsters that roamed the training grounds. Killing is good. Killing is the only way to show that I am a productive member of virtual society. It is also the only thing that keeps this game from being a very elaborate chat room. Unfortunately, most monsters that roamed The Brink outclassed me, so I went around looking for help from fellow trainees. They were easy to spot. They were the ones wearing shirts that made them look topless.

I have to admit that I greatly enjoyed the team play aspect of this game. Spreading out your forces and dealing out a massive smack down with a bunch of teammates is very satisfying - almost too satisfying. I joined up with a fellow level-fiver and we were taking down creatures left and right. Our rampage, combined with the individual players who also tromped through the training fields, created a terrible problem. We quickly ran out of things to kill. Soon, my teammate had to logoff and I was left alone again. However, I had accumulated enough experience to take on The Brink alone. I was determined find the secrets it held! I checked my mission outline, and it said that I should start with creatures called Hecklers. One of them should have a clue. They were tough, but I could overcome them.

Now, the problem with assigning vague missions to trainees is that everyone is after the same thing. Every newly trained adventurer was after these Hecklers, and within that enclosed space, they were becoming very difficult to find. We were perched at The Brink like a bunch of hungry vultures, waiting for some unlucky monster to spawn. Then one of us would immediately pounce on it, kill it, and wait for the next. Some of the higher level players became a little overzealous and were mowing them down in droves! This must be the secret behind MMOG design: Include missions that are as vague as possible so that players will spend hours trying to solve it. There were some times where I was able to take one on, but the battles were heavily drawn out and painful. I was reminded of the obvious fact that these newbie pistols were obsolete from the moment I first equipped them.

It was time for a gun upgrade, but the ones in the shop were too expensive. I was stuck in a Catch-22, where the only way to afford to new gun was to earn money, and the only way to earn money was through killing with my crummy sidearms. But wait! There was another option! I could make like a Jedi and build my own weapon! All I needed were some basic parts that a few low-level monsters naturally dropped! It took some doing, but I hunted the various beasts down and collected the necessary components. It's a very satisfying experience to build your own gun. It feels like I'm beating the system by overcoming the over-inflated arms market that plagues Rubi-Ka. My new pistol was still weak by most standards, but it kicked ass on these training grounds. It's a guilty pleasure, but I especially loved the fact that I was shooting monsters with a weapon crafted from their own body parts. Take THAT, Lurking Chimera! My gun barrel is from your lurking leg! Ah yes... I have two words for the stone golems known as Hecklers: Heckle this!

I loved my chimera pistol so much that I went out and collected components for a second one. Now that my character had sufficiently leveled up, double-gunning was a worthwhile option. Hecklers, who once pounded me into the dirt, now weren't much of an issue. I soon returned to Rodriguez, who offered to send me through the training program again. Obviously, I wasn't his star pupil, or he would have remembered that I completed all his silly tasks. Well, I was going to change that! I had a slew of items taken from The Brink to impress him. I had precious metals, canisters of a mysterious substance called notum, and various other goods. I even had the severed head of an immortal tucked away in my inventory. I handed this to him because... well... you never know when you'll need an extra head. Besides, it was from an immortal, so it was still alive! This was the future, after all; just plug it in somewhere and make it talk. Maybe it could tell us what's going on with The Brink. No luck. He didn't want the head. He didn't want anything. So, I rushed back and took on every Heckler that got in my way. One of them had to have the clue!

The crowd of anxious trainees had mostly moved on, so I had the monsters pretty much all to myself. So, I killed them. I killed them as though they were going out of style! This went on for hours. I leveled up to the point where Hecklers were no longer a threat. I even reached a point where I no longer gained experience through killing them. I stood up on a rock, overlooking the carnage I had wrought, and raised my arms up to the sky.

"This isn't training!" I cried to the heavens, "This is destruction of nature!"

I felt bad for the monsters. They seemed so pathetic now. On a personal level, I was faced with the opposite problem from when I started. Instead of dying all the time, I now dealt out too much death. So, I jumped down from the rock and said, "Screw it!"

Some things were better left unknown. If nothing I brought back to Rodriguez could satisfy him, he could go out and look for his own stupid WMD's. I had outgrown the protected spaces of the training grounds. It was time to venture out into the wild lands of Rubi-Ka - into the Shadowlands - and prove myself there. I was level 14 now. Still low, but maybe it was just enough to get by for a while.

Rodriguez... if I ever become a level 200+ goddess, I will be visiting you again.