I don't consider myself to be a mind reader (or even a Ghost Whisperer), but as soon as Sega unveiled Spartan: Total Warrior several months ago I instantly knew how it was going to turn out. Now, after exploring every nook and cranny of the retail version I've come to realize that my initial prognosis was correct. It's well polished and fun to play in short, controlled bursts, but taken as a whole, it's too boring to capture my interest.

The concept behind this game is a fantasy "what if" scenario, that being, what if the Romans decided to invade Greece? In this case, all hell's broken loose, monsters are roaming about, thousands of innocent people are choking on their own blood, and there's only one man, a dude named Spartan, who can save all of Greece. Touched by the gods, this no named warrior is a complete bad ass, a one man killing machine that is more than capable of decimating entire battalions of soldiers. That, dear reader, is where you come in. Playing as the Spartan, you must travel the globe and, along with your compatriots, eviscerate all who oppose you.

Creative Assembly managed to squeeze a story into this game but it's only importance is to tell you what you have to do in order to progress, and believe me, it's not difficult to figure these things out. That's because Spartan: Total Warrior is pathetically easy to decode. It's a hack-an-slash title where you swing first and ask questions later, a game where the old school and ridiculously played out concept of hit that switch, knock over that burning thing, light that fuse is played out to the extreme. There are no fun mini games to partake in either. You just walk up to something and hit a button while the enemies watch you. Then it's all about cutting their heads off, which is fun for a while, but not for ten plus hours, which is what Sega wants you to do. I couldn't play this game for more than 30 minutes without succumbing to mind mashing boredom, and it was made worse by the fact that God of War and X-Men Legends (two games that are based on a similar foundation as this one) are within reach. "KILL THE BARBARIANS!" Well no, I don't want to kill the barbarians anymore.

It's not like Creative Assembly didn't try to keep the game fun. There's a plethora of different weapons at your disposal and the list includes a sword and shield (which you can use to bash enemies and create space), a club, an axe, and flaming arrows. Plus, the engine does a nice job of flooding the screen with enemies, so it's definitely cool murdering like, forty soldiers and then seeing all these bodies littering the landscape. And you won't just battle against Roman troops. There are ogres, medusa, a hydra, and skeleton warriors to worry about, among other terrors, and there are also a few godly powers to unleash, my favorite being the one that transforms everything to stone.

While on the subject of gods, the god of war is actually quite fond of the Spartan and delights in his murderous rampages, but a bit too much. During gameplay (and as you're racking up kills), this booming voice will say things such as "BLOOD AND CHAOS, SUCH SWEET MUSIC, and SEND THEIR SOULS TO ME"! I'm sure the developers didn't intend on it being funny but it's downright hysterical. Actually, it's probably the only thing that I will ever remember about this game. Years from now someone will walk up to me and mention Spartan: Total Warrior, and in typical Pavlov fashion I will instantly utter, BLOOD AND CHAOS! Then I'll start drooling.

The graphics engine is also worth mentioning because Creative Assembly's done a wonderful job cutting down load times. In short, there aren't any save for the screen that pops up in between levels. After that, you can walk/run throughout these large scale environments and the action will never pause a single time. That's very cool, especially since Total Warrior's actually pretty damn sweet looking. Character models are a little blocky (and I laugh whenever I see groups of them performing the same movements at once), but there's plenty of detail in the structures as well as the landscapes. The smooth frame rate only adds to the product's overall quality.

Spartan Total Warrior does absolutely nothing to advance its genre or stand out as a must purchase. There's no hook or incentive to continue playing. It's the type of game you can play while talking on the phone and eating a sandwich, which is to say it's not immersive at all or worth paying attention to. It's just a good action adventure title and a decent first stab for a developer that's exploring a new genre. I think of it more as a building block that better sequels can be built from, and hopefully Sega will explore that avenue in its next generation future.