Avoid Ubisoft's Beowulf: The Game. This appalling effort to ape Sony's God of War franchise, based on the hit CG-animated Robert Zemeckis film of the same name, has too many negatives working against it.

The plot is stupid. You play as the almighty Beowulf, who constantly reminds you who he is by repeatedly shouting, "I am Beowulf!" (Someone get this dude a nametag.) He's able to defeat a demonic child named Grendel and given the task of hunting down his mother, an even more powerful demon. Instead, she coerces him into providing her a magical item, granting him immense power in the process. The rest of the game has you dealing with her advances while fending off all kinds of dangerous enemies across your homeland. You might ask, "If he's this unstoppable and confident warrior, why did he cave in to this chick?" Simple – she's a virtually naked Angelina Jolie with a tail.

Even dumber than Beowulf, however, are the fellow Thanes assigned to help him with carrying out his tasks. Most of the time, they stand around in sheer awe. ("Wow, Beowulf!") Otherwise, they're useless. You have to order them when to move rocks and boulders out of the way, when it should be second nature. They also need constant motivation to get anything done. You need to activate a "heroic power" to rally them in a fight and complete small rhythm games to pump them up with a beating drum and singing. It's interesting to see a music-themed mini-game here, especially one paired with a lewd sing-along aimed to draw out Grendel.

Your Thanes' complete idiocy doesn't prove useful when you're stuck. Say you fall into a small gap, with a big ice wall standing in your way. You must scale that ice wall barehanded, but only slide back down as a result. Worse yet, your Thane soldiers stand at the top of the wall, offering no help whatsoever. Thanks, gang. Way to lend a hand to your beloved Beowulf in his time of need.

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