By John Geoghegan

I was shocked, just shocked to read about the ESA's decision to enforce a $5,000 fine against companies that employ scantily clad women at E3.

First, Hurricane Katrina, then domestic spying, and now this!

As a game industry professional, I have to come down firmly in support of scantily clad booth babes promoting video games.

First of all, booth babes serve a necessary industry function. For the vast majority of guys in this business, they provide first contact with the female species (even if it's only for a promotional photo, and "no touching!"). For those who can get dates, they offer something to aspire to (unless you're married, then it's just depressing).

Secondly, as anyone who has ever played a video game knows, female video game characters tend to sport large breasts, or, as they're referred to in the industry by their technical designation: "major league yabos."

I for one have always been curious what type of woman could possibly have inspired animators to create a video game character that looks like she fell on a rack of hormone needles.

The answer is booth babes.

Look, we're not talking about prostitution here. We're talking about an under served and definitely underemployed market: the bimbo. At the very least the ESA should consider booth babes a hiring initiative like affirmative action or finding a QA job for your cousin who smokes too much dope and thinks Fallujah is a Gyro with extra cheese.

I also think it's a disservice to say these women play to crude stereotypes. Hey, they need the money. Why else would they walk around in sub zero air conditioning wearing a G string that finally proves nano-technology has a killer app. Half the time I don't even know where to look when I'm talking to them.

Finally, the only way I can think of balancing the claim that there's too much violence in video games is by upping the sex quotient. Booth babes can help us address this imbalance faster than you can say, "thong wedgie."

What does the ESA have against bathing suit bottoms, anyway? They say this kind of outerwear makes E3 seem like a strip club. Well, this just shows how out of step the ESA is with the times. Women in strip clubs haven't dressed like booth babes since the 1950s. Today, women at a strip clubs are COMPLETELY NAKED.

Now, nobody is advocating booth babes go naked. However, if they do, please contact me with their booth number at johnjgeoghegan@yahoo.com.

Hey, if chicks are offended, let them hire a couple of Aussie guys from the "Thunder Down Under" show in Vegas. They can have their own booth babe contingent. I'm all for equal opportunity especially when it comes to bad taste. That's why we have Paula Abdul AND Simon Cowell.

And if that doesn't suffice, well I'm sure a few of the booth babes would be happy to lend their costumes in the interest of sisterly solidarity and a Polartec pullover.

Yes, I live in California, and yes, I'm fed up with the politically correct environment we've created as part of our brave new world. But, hey, half the British cabinet have been caught wearing booth babe outfits AS A MATTER OF PUBLIC RECORD.

But come on people. Has Judge Alito enjoined the ESA board's sense of humor? Has Hillary Clinton threatened a fashion investigation by the Independent Counsel?

You can't take this stuff seriously. What ever happened to "boys will be boys?"

The bottom line is this: guys are dogs. OK, we admit it. But allowing us to be our doggie selves at a carefully monitored, heavily patrolled trade show ("No touching!") is a productive way to channel our "doggieness." Why, it's practically guaranteed in The Bill of Rights.

Otherwise selling video games starring large breasted women while banning booth babes is the height of hypocrisy (or some other Greek philosopher).

After all, what made "Lara Croft" a success? Her sunglasses? No, it was having boobs like a pair of dashboard airbags.

And don't you have to be 18 to attend E3 anyway? What's the problem?

Can nobody keep this thing in perspective? I don't know if you're up on your current events or anything but the industry had a pretty slow quarter. A few booth babes might be just the thing we need to get product moving again.
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So, I say, hail to the booth babe! It's time to protect this endangered species (and for Maxim to put every ESA staffer on the comp list).

Now it's our turn to show booth babes our gratitude, honor their contribution to the video game industry, and declare, "Thanks for the mammaries. We couldn't have done it without you!"

After all, Detroit has been using booth babes for decades and look what it's done for the American auto industry.

John Geoghegan will probably never work again in the video game industry after this article.

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The opinions expressed in this article are Mr. Geoghegan's and are in no way a reflection of the opinions of GameDaily.